Simple Acts of Kindness

My son moves to the beat of his personal playlist, a mishmash of nursery rhymes and songs about lost teddy bears woven into a patois only he understands. Spinning in the garden and tracing numbers in the air, he’s letting his freak flag fly for everyone to see. He’s happy. The other children don’t know what to make of him, though. They try to pull him in, but he dances away laughing, arms flapping, and senses overflowing. He doesn’t know how to play their games. Inside, it’s impossible to ignore the sideways glances. Some patrons frown, silently accusing us of raising an undisciplined child. Others shake their heads, attempting to weigh our sadness, thankful they don’t carry the same burden. They came to this restaurant for good food and a break from the noise of everyday life. Although my wife and I are here for the same reasons, our son makes them uncomfortable. It’s time to go.

My son is my best friend, and although he is mostly nonverbal, we have great conversations through songs and gestures. He is free-spirited like his mother, always smiling and ready to hand out hugs. Like me, he is passionate about shapes, colors, and patterns, as evidenced by organized stacks of toys and the chaotic graffiti covering our living room walls. He is brilliant and clearly different from other kids his age. As parents of a child on the spectrum, we move through a constant cycle of pride, grief, and hope. We both have jobs, and our support network is limited. Still, we make the best of our different schedules to ensure more than just the basics are covered. Alongside the daily stress associated with work and maintaining the house, our son requires constant supervision and bank account-breaking special education. His curiosity has led to several white-knuckle moments and hospital Emergency Room visits. The sweat is constant.

We constantly search for new ways to support and prepare him for an independent life – specialized preschool programs, occupational and speech therapies. All intended to get him ready for kindergarten and beyond. Despite the progress he’s made, we struggle with increasing anxiety. In a world where influencers feel free to bully people with disabilities, it’s hard not to feel unsafe. Recent criticism of Tim Waltz’s son landed close to home. The boy, a proud son, clapped, cheered, and cried as his father accepted the nomination for Democratic Vice-Presidential candidate. The vampires began attacking the Waltz’s almost immediately with comments ranging from mean to disrespectful to evil. This example is one of many we’ve confronted over the past few years. Our son’s exposure to neurotypical kids is limited due to his difficulties communicating and some parents’ discomfort with having their children play with the “weird kid.” My wife and I worry about the social challenges he will have to deal with when he joins them in kindergarten and how those will impact his future.

On August 24th, the U.S. Surgeon General, Vivek H. Murthy, published a New York Times opinion piece addressing issues many parents and caregivers are facing today, including financial stress, children’s health and safety, and parental isolation. He also introduced his latest advisory, Parents Under Pressure, highlighting statistics and recommendations to tackle the problem. Research cited in the report shows that a higher percentage of parents feel significantly more stress than other adults and that 48% of parents feel completely overwhelmed compared to 26% among other adults. The report states that the mental health impact on parents and long-term consequences on children are public health priorities. The advisory recommends that government, employers, communities, schools, and social services take steps to support parents, including:

• Instituting national paid family and medical leave.
• Providing access to affordable mental health care.
• Establishing workplace policies and programs to support parental well-being.
• Ensuring all workers receive paid sick time.

Both the opinion piece and advisory resonated with us. It’s a simple acknowledgment that we aren’t alone in our challenges. It is a needed call for action. The growing mental health problem, drug addiction, and violence impacting our society must be dealt with rather than tossed around for political advantage. Building awareness is important. Creating and rolling out new programs can eventually make a difference.

In the end, though, simple acts of kindness will go the furthest in helping.

In the garden, an older boy approaches and engages our son in parallel play. He has set peer pressure aside and shaken off indifference. His courage is contagious. Inside the restaurant, frowns have turned to smiles. All the children are laughing and dancing and painting the sky with imaginary shapes. Everyone can see our son as he is – happy and full of life.

Instead of the bill, the server brings over two glasses of wine. They are a gift from the manager. With a sigh of gratitude and maybe a tear or two, my wife and I sit back to watch the party outside.

(The restaurant experience described above happened this past summer near Normandy, France and set the tone for the rest of our trip).