To Beard or Not To Beard

That’s the question, ain’t it? Being a SAHD presents challenges – some begin in the bathroom mirror. “Is the person looking back at me… well… ME? Am I living up to my potential? Is that a double-chin?”

“Shit! A beard’ll fix it! I always wanted a beard. Should I go full Momoa? Maybe a Wolverine? Nah. I’ll go with a Chuck Norris.” That’s the decision tree, irrational as it may sound – at least for me.

My wife has gotten used to my ever-evolving hair situation. She’s seen goatees and mustaches, full beards, and mutton chops. The hair problem has spread to my head – long, messy, straightened, bald (she hated that one), blue, and, yes, a mohawk. I admire her patience.

So what’s the deal?  

Becoming a SAHD is like dropping Mentos in a soda bottle. It’s a violent disruption of the Universal order. It changes EVERYTHING. SAHD’s manage the house and all that goes with it. There is no drive to the office for a meeting. No Zoom calls with the boss. SAHDs don’t have anywhere to go except to run errands or take the kids to school. The lucky ones get some gym or hobby time.

With its need to classify things, Society assigns intentions and labels that cause more harm than good – lazy, weak, gold-digger, or the dreaded, emasculating, insulting “Mr. Mom” stamp.

Over time, SAHDs can get insecure, depressed, and lost. Reclaiming personal identity becomes a mission.

Enter the beard.

SAHD’s are adventurers, pioneers, and warriors. Beards are essential – like a gear pack, hat, and bullwhip are to explorers. Imagine Liam Neeson sans beard facing off with that wolf in The Grey or a baby-faced John Wick facing off against the world. Can’t do it? Neither can I.  

Beards are masculine. They’re primal. And they’re fun! They can also be a sign that a SAHD is going through a rough patch and needs a change. They can be a symptom of depression and an attempt to feel better. Whatever the cause, we need to go for broke! It’s worth it.

There have to be rules, though. One can’t simply choose to go full Sasquatch and expect to avoid being judged. You need a plan.

A Good Place To Start

Hygiene: Establish a routine.

Getting out of the grey sweatpants and forcing a grooming routine are the first steps to successful “bearding” – I’m serious. Be deliberate and choose to grow a beard rather than fall into a pattern of not shaving and letting yourself go.

It all starts with a shower. While some may think it’s excessive, I find it important to shower daily. This time allows me to ease into the day, problem-solve, and recharge my batteries. Missing one throws the whole day out of whack. Forgetting to take my medication, not drinking enough water, and feeling generally down are some consequences of getting up late and rushing past my morning routine.

I’ve heard podcasts where hosts admit to not showering regularly. Some will go a week wearing the same clothes. They’ll even make fun of themselves for being a bit on the stinky side. It’s just a guy thing, right?

Whatever the rationalization, it’s clear that they aren’t taking care of themselves and making it more difficult for the rest of us. They’re perpetuating some of those negative societal labels. (Yes. I went there). Throw an unkempt beard on a stinky, dirty-clothes-wearing dude, and we’ve got a recipe for a Karen 911 call reporting a vagrant trying to kidnap a child at the park.

A regular grooming routine helps to build confidence, combat depression, increase energy, and can lead to more sexy bedroom time. Oh, and your kids will learn to be clean as well.

Here is an article from WebMd regarding the benefits of both hot and cold showers.

My routine:

• Shower (6 AM every morning.
• Beard Management (See Below).
• Water, Vitamins, and Meds.
• Put on CLEAN clothes.
• Breakfast.

One more thing… Try to dress better. Avoid the sweatpants and pajama traps. Not only do they negatively impact your self-view, but they also influence how you are viewed by others. There is a positive psychological impact to seeing a well-groomed, decently dressed you staring back from the mirror. I’m not suggesting that anyone should wear a suit while cleaning the house or spend a lot of money on a new wardrobe, but self-care, setting an example for the kids and giving your partner something decent to look at are part of our job too.

Here is an article about the benefits of dressing well.

Management: Keep things tidy.

There is something uplifting about cleaning, trimming, and oiling a beard. Hot water on the face, the feel of a single-edged safety razor on the skin, the buzzing of a trimmer, the instant chill of good aftershave, and the smell of cedarwood beard oil running through freshly cleaned hair. Awesome!

(I think I just heard a wolf howl in the distance.)

A face is a canvas to experiment with that can be cleaned off for another go whenever one gets bored. It’s an inexpensive and often satisfying way to express oneself. The caveat is that a beard must be managed.

There are plenty of sites providing tips and tricks that yield great results. Here is one site dedicated to growing and maintaining facial hair.

Genetics hinder me from reaching epic beard status, but following recommendations from guys who have enviable beards has really made a difference.

My routine:

• Rinse Beard (Wash with Beard Shampoo 2-3 times per week).
• Dry Beard (I use a towel. Some guys use a blow dryer).
• Hydrate Beard (Use Beard Oil or Balm).
• Brush Beard (Trains beard and spreads oil).
• Trim (Cut back stragglers and shape).
• Give a “thumbs up” to the mirror.

(A word about beard products: You don’t need to break the bank to get good products. They can be found online, in drug stores, or in specialty shops. Find the one that best fits your needs and your wallet.)

Playfulness: Keep it fun.

This is my favorite rule!

Let’s go back to the park. Imagine, after cultivating the perfect beard, you’re walking onto the playground in full Pirate costume, little ones in tow. Imagine a Viking-themed Thanksgiving feast or stringing LED lights in your Santa Claus. How would people react? What would Karen do? How would you feel? I’d bet some money that you’d become the life of the party, get stamped with the “Good Dad” label and feel like a hero!

Sure, the kids will eventually outgrow the thrill of helping make the costumes and showing off, but you’ll have the memories and photographic evidence to prove it.

Fourth Rule: Just be yourself and enjoy the ride!