Forth Éorlingas!

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Wormtongue

Grima Wormtongue is a character introduced in Tolkien’s, The Two Towers. He is jealous and power-hungry. He is a snake who gains influence and eventual control over King Theoden. The King, grieving the death of his son, falls under Wormtongue’s spell; growing weaker as the people of Rohan wait for a call to action. Thankfully, Theoden is able to break away from Wormtongue (with the help of a wise wizard) and reclaim his role as the head of a badass family of Orc stomping horse-riders.

Wormtongue is an almost perfect personification of creeping and unmanaged depression. His whispers are poison. They undercut the positives and magnify Theoden’s insecurities. Depression has its own voice. Those whispers grind a person down. They cause conflict and wreak havoc everywhere. Sadly, this a hardship that many stay-at-home-parents must confront and struggle to overcome. It’s bad.

Wow. Really?

Research is a big part of my everyday life. It’s a practice that distracts me from the noise of raising a toddler and helps me maintain a tenuous grip on sanity. Most of it is done on my phone while sitting on the toilet or in short YouTube spurts between work calls, deliverables, and folding laundry (time constraints and crammed mental bandwidth don’t allow for much more).

This week, while researching material for my next Dad Hack and pondering the joys of road-tripping with toddlers, I was blindsided by dark stuff – future tense, what-if, clown-in-the-corner dark stuff.

Here’s what I found…

While scrolling through posts in a SAHD Facebook group, I came across a rant from someone complaining about how much he hates being at home and how much he resents his wife. He expressed no affection for his children. He claimed to have told his wife that he was a selfish person and never wanted kids in the first place. The post pissed me off for a ton of reasons, but mainly because he chooses to stay in the relationship and tear everyone around him down because he is too much of a coward to walk away. This guy is a punk who needs a trip to the woodshed.

I also read that mommy blogger Heather Armstrong died by suicide on May 9^th after a long struggle with depression and alcoholism. Her work was unfamiliar to me and prompted a quick jump to her blog site dooce.com. I was impressed by both her writing and her transparency about life experiences. She put it all out there. It was far too relatable. Her death was a “yellow-light” moment, forcing a quick mirror check. The news hit a little to close to home.

The cherry on the week was an article about SAHD divorce rates. It highlighted many positives but completely dismissed a ton of research, including statistics of higher divorce rates in the single-parent-income population, increasing depression and suicide rates, drug and alcohol addiction, too much arguing, feelings of isolation, etc. The author focused on infidelity being an exaggerated cause of divorce while ignoring that the issues identified in the research are precursors to infidelity. They basically glossed over the fact that these issues are common for many stay-at-home parents. The article landed with an “I’ve got it right, and you’ve got it wrong” tone – which I heard loudly and (crystal) clearly. The article was was the opposite of helpful.

(I need to take a moment here to prop the divorce rate author up. He is a very credible SAHD who adds a ton of value to the community. His recommendations are dead on when it comes to “you’re not in this alone” messaging. Silver-lining storytelling is my main problem with the article. The only silver one sees when sitting in the dragon’s mouth is the crushed armor of all the other guys who failed.)

My fears and insecurities crawled to the surface. I decided to shelve the WD-40 experiment and face the monster. Jumping off my emotional rollercoaster, I grabbed my laptop and a cup of coffee. The words had to get out, so I sat at my desk and let them roll.

When the sky is at it’s blackest.

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Depression is an all-consuming monster. It is a negative energy that strips away the good and alters perception. It is a dark and heavy thing waiting to pounce on any opportunity to undermine good and brave kings and queens. It speaks to you when you are most vulnerable. Like Tolkien’s Wormtongue and his Orcs banging on the castle gates, depression is working hard to crush you and your kingdom.

I write these things because I’ve met the monster. It has been a part of my life for what feels like forever. Depression diligently whittles away at one’s confidence and sabotages relationships along the way. It’s spent hours whispering, “You aren’t good enough. They’d be better off without you.” The isolation of being a SAHD can create an echo chamber where the negative talk distracts from the everyday joys of raising your kids.

On a particularly bad day, when the whispers were becoming screams, I was confronted by two big brown eyes under a crown of wild curls. My champion had arrived, asking me to ride with him. His smile shattered the darkness like Gandalf on his white horse. I wasn’t alone and that smile was for me because of, well… me. “We’re better off with each, because of each other,” I thought.

It was one of my son’s many superhero moments.

I got up, got out, and got help. I kicked the monster in the nuts. I lived to fight another day with my son, wife, and army at my back.

At dawn, look to the East!

The good news is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE and that it’s OK to be a fuck up. You are surrounded by badass horse riders who want to fight with you. There IS a white wizard just over the hill. The sun WILL rise at dawn and chase those ugly Orc bastards into the closet. You WILL earn a few scars. You WILL also survive the battle and dance at your daughter’s epic unicorn party. I promise.

Your job, your only job, is to get up. Commit! Reclaim yourself! (Easier said than done). Punch that asshole in the face. Throw back a whiskey in honor of those who’ve fallen while scouting the path not to take. Recognize and accept that your way is your way. Laugh at the voices and expose them for the frauds they are. Draw your sword!

Everything else will fall into place.

You’ve got to put your ego in the refrigerator drawer with the moldy whatever, though. Be humble. Be brave. Ask for help. It’s a sign of strength.

Quickly, now… The battle is at your door!

• Find your Wizard (Therapist). They can help you find light in the darkness.
• Trust in your Champions (Spouse, Child, Parent, Friend, Priest, Attorney, Bartender). The ones that will ride with you.
• Kick Wormtongue in the nuts. Reject the naysayers and negative self-talk, no matter how difficult it may be. Fuck those guys!
• Gather your army. You will need help. There are too many Orcs, and you only have two arms to hit them with. Embrace your riders. Inform them. Tell them you need them. Thank them. The worthy ones will come to you when you need them most.
• Lead the Charge! You may fail. You may lose people you care about. But, ride hard and courageously. It will matter later.
• Fight, fight, and fight some more! Be a legend. Smile at the Balrog as you draw your sword and shit your pants. Be the reason that cups are raised on winter nights when all seems bleak. Be an inspiration. Be the King (or Queen) that you are.

Memento Vivere

Life is tough. Some have it harder than others. But we all have only one life to live. Rise to it!

Teach your children that there is virtue in taking the harder path. Show them what courage is. Help shape them before the Wormtoungues of the world come sniffing around. Become who you were meant to be. You are a hero. You have earned your place at the table.

It may be hard to believe these things when depression is squeezing you, but remember that your loved ones are champing at the bit for you to raise your Orc ass-kicking flag. They really are.

Thanks for listening. I know the nerdy, geeky Tolkien stuff is a bit much, but if this post resonates with only one person, it will have served its purpose.

If you or anyone you know is considering suicide, please contact a friend or a hotline before giving in. SuicideStop.com contains a comprehensive list of suicide hotlines across the globe with folks who are ready to help. HelpGuide.org is a resource site containing a directory of International Mental Health resources.

Please feel free to join the conversation in the comments area.